STUFF YOU NEED TO KNOW

I have needs. You have needs. Maslow posted an entire hierarchy of our needs so we can check whenever we feel the need, although, that is not one of Maslow's needs. But, me, as a writer, I need to either inform or be funny. The best is when I can give funny information or be informatively funny.

I also need to be helpful and that's what this piece is about. Of course I need to be helpful, funny and informative in any combination. The point is: Your time is valuable and you have plenty to do without wasting it reading magazine articles or waiting for television news stories that headline their story or blurb with a question. I will now show you how to read those headline/questions so that you'll know in a glance whether the story is worth reading or sticking around until 10:00, or not. Here are some actual titles and how to read them:
-"WHICH SHOPPING SITES CAN YOU TRUST?" Trust? As in trusting them to tell the truth; sell quality merchandise; honor all warrantees and guarantees? The answer to this headline is simple and obvious: NONE of them. No need to read this article. Question answered, problem solved.
-"WACKY WARNINGS: ARE WE REALLY DUMB?" You bet your sweet ass we are. Incredibly dumb, in fact. But, not so dumb as to have to read this story which is a list of dumb product warnings you've gotten in emails from every single one of your friends last year.
-"WHAT'S THE SCOOP? COURIC NOT LEAVING 'TODAY'?" That pretty much says it all. We didn't hear she was leaving, and we don't give a manufacturer's discount if she does. And, if you think it's a trick question and she's leaving 'tomorrow', then you probably read "WACKY WARNINGS".
-"WILL CAPITOL CHRISTMAS TREE BE LIT THIS YEAR?" Well, no, not with a match, causing a roaring bonfire. It means 'plugged in'. The only thing that wastes your time more than reading about whether or not the Capitol Tree is going to be lit is...nothing. There's nothing in the history of the world that could waste more of your time.

On the other hand, here's a Dumb Headline that, if you don't read the story, you're missing out on all the fun. It comes from the USA TODAY and it says, "ELEPHANTS GO HOME TO ROAM." Yeah, yeah, yeah, back to India, right? Or Africa, you say? Nope.
Tennessee.
That's right, y'all. Hohenwald, TN to be exact, where, apparently, among the squirrel and rabbit and groundhog there are big ass elephants scurrying through the thickets.
Home sweet home.
You ever seen an elephant with a look of surprised confusion on its face?
Then head for Hohenwald.